There’s just so many archived stuff in my head right now that I wanted to share to this blog but wasn’t able to do so because of a few factors..
One, I failed to write it down everytime I think of a note-worthy entry so in effect, I forget about it as the days go by.
And two, I currently don’t have the luxury of time to write all of my thoughts down ‘cos I still have a handful of to-do’s as of this writing.
So out of those all long-forgotten entries at the deepest corners of my brain, I decided to put up a post that will summarize how my past year went.
2017 is a year of pruning and harsh training (at least for me). It was when my spiritual, financial, emotional, social and mental disciplines are being formed altogether. This year was the manifestation of the verse Romans 12:2
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
It started first quarter of 2017, one of my top faith goals for the year is learning time management which I have been trying to learn all throughout out my career life. At that time, I didn’t consider that God would bless me with a lot MORE things to train me for time management. On the top of my head, I thought I’d just wake up one day, and I’ll slowly gain this skill with what I have at that moment.
It was also the time when I had this growing desire for business and generating additional income outside my day job. This was the year I joined a few business-building opportunities like being a part-time financial consultant for PRU Life UK and joining an MLM business trend such as Young Living Essential Oils. Like any other activity, if you’re new and enthusiastic about it, you tend to be excited and fueled up to make it work, and that’s what happened. I started small but really consistent. I even managed to make it to the top 4 business builder cut for our branch in my first month in PRU Life UK. My main job was fine, I grew a new discipline of coming to work not only on time, but way early for my shift, (albeit, my colleagues are really surprised by that! Lol!). I would finish all of my tasks in half a sprint and spend all of my extra time testing. I released stories and tasks in production that do not come back with bugs and errors (I am a Web Developer at day, btw). I was on fire with my new found lifestyle. I was on fire with what God revealed to me for my next chapter. I was really consumed with the fact that this is what God intended my life to be — productive, efficient, disciplined and proactive. I was so sure because it is written in the Bible that God hates idleness. Philppians 4:8, anyone?
What I didn’t notice is that as the days go by, there was a peak in that drive to be excellent in my newly found craft. I hit the peak of my exhaustion having to juggle a balance between main job, side job and ministry and fellowhip at church. I wasn’t consistent anymore, I had a hard time prioritizing ministry and discipleship with everything on the side. I cried to the Lord on what happened. Has my fire gone out? Is there a limit to that dream? Is it not for me but only for a temporary moment? I cried hard to the Lord cos I badly wanted that lifestyle — I love how I saw myself then, the productive, enthusiastic, full of energy self I did not know I have.
So, at the peak of my exhaustion, I took a step back and tried to analyze what happened. Where did I go wrong. Is it the execution? the prioritization? or did I give out too much energy and did not leave anything for the days to come? I initially blamed my side jobs, I thought maybe the Lord didn’t really want me to take those opportunities. Maybe it’s just me, trying to justify how I badly wanted to generate more income and how selfish I am. But the half of me says, “but I prayed this over and over to the Lord, he has given me signs and open doors, that’s why I gave it a go in the first place, so why is this happening?” So at this time, I was torn, confused and don’t know if I have to drop these things.
But then a verse hit me, in Proverbs 16:3…
“Commit your work to the lord and your plans will be established.”
Yeah, I asked the Lord for provision, but did I commit to Him my work? Was it for expanding His kingdom or just for self-gratification of “earning additional income”. I compared my journey to those business-builder people I have been with at church when they were starting. I asked myself, why are they successful? Some barely even took an effort but they were successful! I found myself saying “I cannot believe this. I’m trying all my efforts and given up my me time just to make this work but to no avail! Maybe having a business is not for me. 😥 ”
So, I cried again to the Lord while I immersed myself through devotion and prayer trying to understand what He has to say on my situation. It was very clear. I still remember it.
I pushed Him aside when I got consumed with all the work. I would delay my morning devotions, got distracted with Bible reading, let myself be demotivated with discipleship. It was the worst place to be in. I tried doing it all in my own effort but we all know there are limits to what our flesh can serve us.
I remember having the right mindset before I got in to this, but my heart wasn’t right. I was excited to make money more than making it a discipline opportunity. I was selfish for a time ‘cos I was excited on how God will provide things for me. I only took what was beneficial for me but I left the parts where I needed to be aligned to God.
At this point, I cried again but now, with repentance and said to God “I’m so physically tired and spiritually dry and I want to start fresh again, Lord. You know how I hate wasting time that’s why I double, triple even quadruple my hustle, but it turns out I also wasted valuable time not seeking You first. Looking back, I even realized I was controlling Your timetable and tried to work on all of my weaknesses all at once, though I know that you work one area at a time. I was very in a hurry for my future.”
That storm lasted for about a year, and as I start this new year. I pray I will always remember these verses…
“Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established.” ~ Proverbs 16:3
“But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31
The Lord has His own way on how he reminds us to go back to the basic stuff, only now with a different revelation. Right after that really intimate moment of prayer and devotion, I was comforted knowing I don’t have to drop all of these stuff as it has been confirmed to me that this provision is from the Lord’s BUT I have to know my priorities now. It will also definitely change the way on how I go my life each day. I also have to build the prayer lifestyle that spoke to me during the recently held #ENFast2018.
This year, God gives me the go signal again but this time, with the same mindset and a right heart. A chance to redeem myself from my mess and by His grace, I could use this avenue to reach out to people I haven’t shared the gospel with.
I just realized, that God uses times like these to manifest His mercy and grace upon our weaknesses and eventually, working the good in all of it! Let this year be the year where all of our desires and hopes and dreams come to fruition! For it is written..
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” ~ Galatians 6:9
All the best for us all,
xx Jem xx
Kissed by Fire 