I finally had the time to write (again) after so much that has been going on lately in my life — also, the very reason why I seldom update my Instagram anymore.
It’s that time of the year again where I put aside all of my daily activities and just have quiet and meditation time with God. With the overwhelming workload I have, I’m really surprised that God gave me the grace to drop everything and leave them for a while why I go take a step back to reflect on my soul growth.
As I am writing this, it is already the 2nd day of the Mid-year Prayer and Fasting and having survived the 1st day is already a miracle in itself. Lol.
I’m gonna share my thoughts in alignment to the P&F book guide we are following at church. It’s quite a long read, so bear with me. 😉
Day 1 – Position
Rest – Rulership – Fellowship
Rest – After all the toil I have done for me and my family’s dreams, I had a time again with the Lord this morning. I cried buckets! I’m not even lonely and really enjoying learning my new found love for business but I grew tired. It is true that sometimes, even though we enjoy what we do, there will come a time when we still get tired. I ran to God like a baby lost and looking for her mother.
Rulership – Today, I noticed that after a 3-hour immersion with God (which is already in itself, also a miracle) and enjoying His presence, I find myself dealing with a lot of pressures at work. There was an additional task in the sprint (that will be due on Friday!), my seatmate kept bugging me to eat, my thoughts are betraying me to backslide and the list goes on. Day 1 is almost over and I found myself sustained by God all through out the day. My emotions weren’t triggered at all. He is just amazing! ❤️
Fellowship – I rarely enjoy P&F because I don’t think anybody would want to be deprived with food. But this P&F, I learned to focus more on my time with the Lord more than my hunger which is the very point of this activity. My renewed fellowship with the Lord strengthened me to face today’s challenges with a smile on my face! 😉
Impressing verses:
✓ “Put on the full armor of God that you may withstand against the schemes of the enemy.” – Ephesians 6:10-18
✓ “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13
✓ “I have seen all the things that is done under the sun. All of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” – Ecclesiastes 1:14
✓ “My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26
✓ “I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud, your sins like a morning mist. Return to me for I have redeemed you.” – Isaiah 44:22
Day 2 – Wisdom
Redemption – Reconciliation – Reflection
Redemption – I may have told you this in another post but just to point out the impact of the Great Redemption God offered me through Jesus Christ, allow me to share the details of my story. I can only think of the time where I have been in the lowest point of my life. I was lost, (almost like a quarter-life crisis and mild depression I didn’t speak of anyone about) and resorted to different kinds of distraction only to find myself at the end of the day, still struggling with the issues I have set aside for later. I eventually got whacked-up, throbbing but short sharp pain in my nerves (which I’m definitely sure, signals something wrong in my body). Went to different EXPERIENCED doctors and NO ONE could give me a proper diagnosis. Two doctors said maybe I was depressed and endorsed me for Alprazolam (more commonly called as Xanax) prescription. I was VERY hurt. They weren’t even sure about their diagnosis cos they couldn’t find anything wrong! In the Philippines, there is a stigma with this type of medication and having no thought process at that moment, I reacted negatively to both of the doctors’ advice. I was definitely NOT crazy! I am very in tuned with myself.
I wanted to prove those doctors wrong, I self-medicated and practiced natural medicines for my condition. It helped managed the pain, but it didn’t totally taken away the pain. I was a hopeless case.
And on top of the physical pain I’m feeling, my long-time boyfriend decided to break up with me (at the very peak of my “depression”). So that was also an added stress I had to deal with. All those I can recall and I can still vividly picture how dark that place was. I was left alone to handle the pressures of the world. After investing whatever I can to this person, he still left me. I also consumed my entire savings going back and forth to the hospital cos I wanted to be diagnosed for something other than depression. I was enjoying life like four-five months prior this event and after that time, I lost (almost) everything I had like a thief in the night.
It was a very hard pill to swallow, I found myself sitting and staring on a blank wall and trying to ask God why all of these happened and how I saw myself developed into a hateful being I used to despise. I become what I hated the most in other people— I blamed the Lord why these are happening all at once and what did I do wrong to other people to deserve this pain, so jealous of others success, so ungrateful for my parents, my pure and positive thoughts just all became so dark and evil, always cursing people on top of my head, secretly wishing the downfall of other people so I can be on top.
I knew I wasn’t myself anymore at that time. I wanted to be free from the pain. It was surely a place I won’t in any way want to go back to.
For 9-12 months, I endured a sensation of painful nerve condition while keeping a positive attitude at work and in my daily endeavors. At this point, I just prayed and really begged for God to heal me. Physically and emotionally. I felt the throbbing pain every single day. I can totally relate to Job in the Bible (minus the burning house and death). I would always be reminded of my former boyfriend’s mom and her comforting words to me — “the way you think changes the chemistry of your body.” I also remember the time my mom said the most encouraging words at that time for me— “if it’s not a lingering sensation, it’s nothing. Do not think of it too much.” Though it was not that helpful, because I can still feel the painful sensation, I would consider the words of my mom as God’s way of communicating to me. It’s not lingering, but it’s intermittent. Goes back every now and then. My spirit was so low. I wanted to kill myself. I’ve reached the most dreaded event of my life here on earth. Down with a sickness and no future to look forward to — my worst nightmare has come to life.
I clinged to God for healing and He gave it! Gradually, I can feel a decline to the sensation of painful nerve until it was no more! On a more important note, I felt my spirit regaining back with a brand new mindset and outlook in life (it’s crazy, i know, but i believe it was all Divine intervention!)
After that event, I came to know Christ. I decided I’m going to be a follower of Christ for the rest of my life.
The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the Name of the Lord!
Reconciliation – that reconciliation to the right path (where I should’ve been all along) resulted to God opening up different avenues in my life! He opened a new door for a new house! It’s still not ours but I can strongly feel our very own house is coming soon! He breathed a new desire in my heart for business! I would find myself juggling in between helping people understand the value of insurance and wellness through essential oils. I wouldn’t say it was a smooth way up but I almost find myself, really exhausted of all of the work. But that doesn’t mean I want to stop all of these and just promote the sloth in me. To date, I’m just resting in between so I can give my all again after I have replenished my toil. I’m still learning this new found desire.
Today, I’m just enjoying what God is doing for my life! I’m still not perfect but I already know how God will use those weaknesses to refine me into being the woman He intended me to be! As a result, I serve in a ministry at church with my brother. It was after all, the design I really wanted for my life (although at start, i knew nothing about it)
I just know deep in my heart that I’m meant to do something bigger.
Reflection — looking back, I would cry so bad on how reckless God’s love has been in my life. I finally found purpose in my life! I do not deserve anything in my life right now after all I have done (and probably, still doing!) that dishonored Him but maybe somehow, God sees something potentially beautiful in my life that I don’t see yet. I’m just continuously praying for me to be aligned to His will. It’s true what they say, you can have everything in this world, but if His presence is missing, it is all but an empty toil.
Everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Impressing verses:
✓ “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — His pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2
✓ “The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the Name of the Lord.” – Job 1:21
✓ “Beloved, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” – Philippians 4:8
✓ “It is for your good that I go away so that the Helper will be upon you. The Helper is the Spirit who comes from the Father, who will NEVER leave you.” – John 16:7
Kissed by Fire 